Raising Emotionally Resilient Children

As parents, you are no strangers to the importance of resilience and how it helps us navigate life’s challenges, both big and small. As you read this, I want us to shift the focus from our external responsibilities to the most important role we as parents play—nurturing resilience in our children.

Here is a staggering fact: Longitudinal studies have indicated that about half to two-thirds of children with resilience are able to overcome their initial traumatic life experiences, such as being abused, growing up in families with mental health diagnoses, or having parents who are incarcerated (Grotberg, 1995). Resilience is not just a trait; it is a skill, one that parents and caregivers can cultivate. In this article, we will explore how this can be accomplished by discussing the meaning of resilience and the ways that it can be encouraged.

What is Resilience?

Resilience is the ability to bounce back from setbacks, to adapt, to keep going despite the odds. Dr. Ann Masten (2019), a leading researcher in resilience, calls it "ordinary magic" because it doesn’t require extraordinary circumstances—just consistent, everyday efforts from adults who care.

In that way, resilience is not about shielding children from challenges but rather equipping them with tools to face them head-on. So how do we do that? It starts with three pillars: secure relationships, independence, and modeling resilience.

Pillar 1: Secure Relationships

The first and most critical pillar is connection. Research shows that children with at least one stable, supportive relationship with an adult are far more likely to be resilient.

Think about it: When a child feels safe and understood, they develop a foundation of emotional security. That means prioritizing moments that matter—undivided attention at the dinner table, bedtime chats, or even five focused minutes in your busy schedule to truly listen to your child.

Validation is key. When your child says, “I’m anxious,” like mine did recently before school started up again, resist the urge to fix it immediately. Instead, respond with, “I hear you. It is okay to feel anxious. Let’s talk about it.” You are teaching them that their feelings are valid and manageable.

Pillar 2: Encouraging Independence

Resilient children are those who learn to navigate challenges—not because we solve their problems for them, but because we empower them to solve problems themselves.

Carol Dweck’s (2007) research on the growth mindset demonstrates that when children view setbacks as opportunities to grow, they become more persistent and resourceful. This means letting them make decisions, take age-appropriate risks, and occasionally fail. Yes, fail.

For example, earlier this school year, as I was dropping my youngest daughter off to school she said, “Oh no! I forgot my clarinet.” While my instinct was to go out of my way to help my daughter, I resisted the urge to get it and bring it to school. She needed to figure out an alternate plan.

Let children experience the consequences of their actions, and the problem-solving that follows. These small moments build their confidence and resilience.

Pillar 3: Modeling Resilience

Finally, the third pillar focuses on the idea that most powerful lessons are caught, not taught.

Albert Bandura’s (1969) social learning theory reminds us that children learn behaviors through observation. Your children are always watching how you manage stress and setbacks, so the next time you face a challenge, narrate your process: “I’m feeling frustrated right now, but I’m going to take a few deep breaths and think about my options.”

By taking this simple step, you are showing your children that resilience is not about perfection; it is about persistence.

Conclusion

Resilience is like a muscle: The more we use it, the stronger it gets. And as parents, we have the privilege of being our children’s personal trainers in this lifelong workout.

With that in mind, I leave you with this question: How can you model resilience today? Not just for your children, but for yourself—and by extension, the communities you are a part of?

Because raising resilient children is not just about their future; it is about shaping a generation that can adapt, thrive, and lead in a world full of uncertainty. And that is the legacy we all want to leave behind.

References

Bandura, A. (1969). Social-learning theory of identificatory processes. Handbook of socialization theory and research, 213, 262. https://www.academia.edu/download/43540100/Bandura1969HSTR.pdf

Dweck, C. S. (2007). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Ballantine Books.

Grotberg, E. H. (1995). A guide to promoting resilience in children: Strengthening the human spirit. The Bernard van Leer Foundation.

Masten, A. S. (2019). Ordinary magic: Advances in developmental resilience science [Keynote lecture]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YcfWZU2cfp8